light in darkness

Something happened between November 26th, 2022 and November 26th, 2023.

A newborn grew into a one-year-old.

I am perplexed once again by this phenomenon called time that marches relentlessly forward but still manages to trap my senses into the mirage of a standstill.

How is it that Hadassah is a year old, and yet Joshua has never met her? He saw her (on the ultrasound), looked forward to her, talked to her, wrote to her… My mind and heart are still back with him, which wasn’t long ago…but time has separated memory from reality by announcing on the calendar: Hadassah’s First Birthday. And he has had no part in her first year.

“Look what God is doing” I wrote in a May, 2022 post announcing a new baby to come. Many of you joined us in watching God work. His ways are often perplexing. His timing is often unexpected. His plan is often not what we choose. But He is always doing…doing what is good. His goodness is most fantastically displayed against a backdrop of darkness, causing those who behold it to recognize the brilliance of His skillful hand.

And so, upon the darkened, shrouded canvas of a blink in time, the Artist has continued to create His work of art—colors made strangely vibrant through a mix of sorrowful tears and exquisite love.

Well over a year ago, in the darkness of pain, misery and a questionable future, the knowledge of new life was shared with Joshua. With praise, Joshua rejoiced at the blessing of being gifted another lasting treasure…a precious soul to raise for God’s glory—and something to look forward to.

In the darkness of severe suffering came the date for the 20-week ultrasound. With praise, and no uncertain amount of sacrifice, he determinedly went to that appointment, rejoiced to see his little girl and, through that effort, made a solid statement of a daddy’s love more valuable than any tangible gift he could have given.

In the darkness of 3 remaining months of pregnancy without my dearest love, there was much stress, much grief, much anguish…and much concern for the well-being of the little one enduring the consequences of such a time. (The previous six months weren’t exactly easy on her, either.) But praise to the Lord for His sustaining of an exhausted mother and unassuming baby, bringing both safely to that precisely-timed moment of delivery.

In the darkness of labor and delivery…there really aren’t words concise enough in this context to convey that darkness of anticipation of giving birth without Joshua beside me. But dark it was indeed. And yet…there is no ending of praise for the miraculous way the Lord provided counsel, directed each step, quieted my heart, gave me courage to go forward, surrounded me with caring helpers, filled me with peace, made His presence explicitly known in the hardest moments, and comforted me with assurance that somehow, in some way, Joshua had been a part of this precious time.

In the darkness of an empty bedroom night after night, with praise I welcomed a baby to hold…a love in my arms once again.

In the darkness of the most challenging digestive struggles I’ve faced with a newborn, with praise I rejoiced that this little one had unusual physical strength for an infant and a staunch determination to be cheerful between her bouts with pain.

In the darkness of moments of helplessness, not knowing what to feed this baby with such severe intolerances (and no milk of my own to offer), with praise I received an abundant supply of donated “mama milk” for almost ten months, from many generous local mothers, to provide a hungry baby with a full tummy and chubby leg rolls!

In the darkness of weariness, sorrow and loneliness, with praise I have been upheld through the persistent, consistent prayers of countless family, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, surrounded by love and encouraged through kindness.

In the darkness of an ever-present sadness over a little girl being parted from a daddy she has not met, praise has dwelt amidst sadness as she has come to recognize his picture very early in her life, meeting his smile with her own and, defying all previous Thomas child history of late-talkers, spoken his name clearly and intentionally to his smiling, photo face when only seven months old. There is something very special that the Lord cultivated in Joshua’s heart ahead of time for this daughter, and in her heart, continuing to grow, for her daddy. Their meeting day will be…praise-worthy!

In the darkness of the reality of “starting over” with a new baby, with all its responsibilities, energies, joys and difficulties faced alone…, I’ve been tempted many times to complain “Lord, what are you doing?” But immediately He reminds me “Look at what I am doing.”

Really, Lord? Sometimes I’d rather not. It’s easier to dwell upon the upheaval, the loss, the brokenness, the unfulfilled dreams, the complaining. It’s easier to say “This is not what I signed up for…being a mom alone with eleven children.”

It’s easier to sink into an embittered “It’s not fair.”

And where is the praise in that?

It is nowhere.

God doesn’t ask me to deny the realness of the darkness. He doesn’t even ask me to leave the darkness. In fact, I cannot. It is part of this sinful world.

But, He does command me to praise Him.

He comes near to me in my darkness and invites me to come near to Him. As I draw close, although there is dark all around me, I stand in His marvelous light, transfixed by His joy, mesmerized by His beauty. (Psalm 18:28) How will I even notice the darkness anymore, persistent though it may be, when I have the radiance of Christ flooding every inch of my existence? I begin to appreciate the darkness more…for it reveals more of His glorious light for me to enjoy.

How can I not praise Him?!

Hadassah Praise is just that. His Praise. He dreamed her up, He gave her name, He made her in timely fashion, He defied expectations. Her presence reminds me of His faithfulness. Her smile reminds me of His joy. Her needs remind me of my dependence on Him. He has filled my heart with this treasured gift…for such a time—and such a darkness—as this.

In the midst of my sorrow, I am deeply grateful and cannot help but worship the Lord along with Mary:

“My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…for He has looked on the humble estate of His servant…He who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is His Name. And His mercy is for those who fear Him

from generation to generation.”

(from Luke 1:46-50)

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The good life…according to Hadassah Praise:

• Having great expectations of ten brothers and sisters and one doting mama.

• Receiving too many expectations from ten brothers and sisters and one doting mama.

• Ensuring that there are as many brothers and sisters (and maybe the doting mama) in her presence at all times.

• Having all her needs met in short order by said brothers, sisters and doting mama

• Going places…but always coming back to her familiar home and cozy bed (and sloth huggie)!

• Music playing as much as possible…even if it’s the clock chiming or a cell phone ringing (and subsequently be-bopping to it, side-to-side).

• Grinning at anyone who takes a moment to grin at her.

• Finding William every morning to “do math” with him at the computer.

• Seeing a picture of Daddy.

• Wiggling both hands and both feet simultaneously to show her glee.

• Playing the piano with gusto.

• Having a “smile-down” with Mama, in the dark, after a midnight bottle. She usually wins, still smiling when she is put back in her bed with a kiss.

• Getting held or played with by her big brothers Caleb and William (who, if you can keep a secret, adore her—which, in turn, is adorable).

• Sitting still as little as possible.

• Going outside—as long as it’s not too cold, too wet, too boring or too lonely.

• No cuddling, thank you…although a hug now and then is acceptable.

• Greeting all her adopted “grandpas and grandmas” at church…and knowing she is much-loved in return.

• Waking up each morning with a smile, confident in her childish trust in the love of her family and the enjoyment of the day ahead.